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The following information is offensive! It is offered as informational evidence of the sickening material broadcast on FOX Network.

TRANSCRIPT OF FAMILY GUY, AUGUST 16, 2009, 9:00 PM EDST, FOX NETWORK

In this perverted episode:

Peter goes into a used record store called DEAD FORMAT RECORDS where Jesus works as a sales clerk.

Peter: You look familiar. Do I know you? Do you go to North Providence High School?

Jesus: No.

Peter: Are you friends with Gary who owns the dry cleaners?

Jesus: No.

Peter: Are you Jesus Christ?

Jesus: No.

Peter: Oh my God. You are. You’re Jesus Christ.

Jesus: No I’m not. I’m just a guy working at a record store.

Peter: Huh! Well then if you’re not Jesus Christ then you won’t mind then if I pee on these Amy Grant CDs.

Jesus. Don’t.

Peter: Aha. You are Jesus

Jesus: Yes. I am.

Peter: Oh my God. Jesus Christ. The Messiah. You’ve returned. You’ve returned to bring us the Good Word.

Jesus: What Word?

Peter: Sings the song on the solo record he came into purchase.

Peter: Jesus Christ has returned to earth. I can’t believe it the second coming.

Jesus: Will you keep it down. It is not the second coming.

Peter: Ok. So what are you doing here?

Jesus: Well, believe it or not I pop in every hundred years or so sort of incognito just to get away from the family. Plus the timing seemed good cause my dad just quit smoking and he’s a little on edge.

Jesus: You’re the first person to recognize me in two thousand years.

Peter: You seem like a nice guy. Why don’t you come over to my house for dinner tonight?

Jesus: Okay. But I don’t get off till seven.

Scene at dinner Peter’s dinner table.

Lois (Peter’s wife): Wow Jesus Christ at our dinner table. I still can’t get over it.

Jesus: I’m actually glad that you are all here tonight. I want to tell you that one of you will betray me. Hahaha! Just kidding.

Peter: Haha! He’s doing that thing he did in his story book.

Lois: So Jesus finish that story you were telling us.

Jesus: Oh. Alright. Alright. So there I was they had just beaten me senseless. Stuck thorns in my head. Nailed me to a piece of wood. Shoved a sponge full of vinegar in my mouth. And killed me. Then they put me in a hole with a rock in front of it for two whole days. And come Sunday, bam, I rise from the dead.

Peter: Okay. That sounds like a nutty weekend. But I can top it. So me and Cleveland and Joe are just wrecked on Southern Comfort. Right! We know we’re going to puke. But Joe says hey let’s go see Chronicles of Riddick. Sat through the whole thing without puking. Then I got home. Wouldn’t you know I lost my glasses? Ha. Peter one. Jesus zero.

Lois: You know Jesus. If I go get my cell phone would you mind talking to my friend. I really just want to rub here Jewish nose in this.

Brian (the dog): All right I’ll be the one to say this. How do we really know that you’re Jesus? Can you perform miracles?

Jesus: Sure. How bout this?

Jesus extends his hands and turns the main dish on every one’s plate into chocolate fudge Sundays.

Chris (oldest son): Oh boy Sundays.

Meg (daughter): I love you Jesus.

Jesus: I love you to fella.

Peter: Hey, Jesus, can you do something for me?

Jesus: Sure Peter, what is it?

Peter whispers to Jesus.

Lois’s breast size triples causing her dress to bust open showing her bra.

After Dinner, Peter sits with Jesus on the couch.

Peter: Say listen Jesus. I know you’re really trying to keep a low profile. But there is one person I really want you to meet.

Jesus: Oh yeah. Who is that?

President George Bush is speaking on stage from behind a podium.

President Bush. The American People may have turned against the war. But I answer to a higher power. I answer to the power of Jesus Christ.

Jesus and Peter walk on to the stage

Peter: That’s funny cause I just happen to have Jesus Christ right here.

Jesus: I heard what you were saying. You know nothing of my work. How you ever got to be president of anything is totally amazing.

Peter: Boy wouldn’t it be great if life were like this?

Back at Peter’s house.

Peter: Hey, listen Jesus, thanks for coming by tonight and hanging with us. You may look like a bum but you got a lot of talent young man.

Jesus: Yeah, I forgotten how great it is interacting with other people. Well I better get some sleep. I gotta open the store tomorrow.

Peter: Ah, you don’t want to go back to that record store. You gotta get back out there. Coloring eggs and hiding them for kids.

Jesus: What? You mean reveal myself?

Peter: Absolutely, Jesus. This world needs you Jesus. It needs you like a guy who can’t get it up needs a distraction.

Scene briefly switches to show man with woman being distracted in bed.

Jesus: You know. You’re right Peter. It may be time. But how do we do it?

Scene changes to Peter and Jesus standing in a downtown street.

Peter: Okay everyone may I have your attention? I would like to introduce you to the one, the only, Jesus Christ. That’s right. That’s Jesus Christ right there. Jesus Christ.

Passerby: Yeah, right.

Peter: Look at these idiots. They’re not even listening. You know what? We gotta prove it to em. I’m going to go into that supermarket and get some water and you’re going to turn it into wine.

Jesus: Cool. Can you get me a Cracked magazine.

Peter: Cracked?

Jesus: Yeah.

Peter: Jesus Christ. Unbelievable. All right. I’ll be back.

The wind blows Peter’s money in the water fountain.

Peter: Oh crap.

Jesus: Don’t worry. I’ll get it.

Jesus walks on the water in the fountain and picks up the money.

Crowd: Ooh. Oh my God. Oh It’s Jesus. Look.

Peter: And his best friend Peter. Oh, oh, oh, wow, wow.

Scene changes to Jesus waiting with Peter, Lois and Chris to appear on the Jay Leno Show.

Jay Leno staff member: Fifteen minutes Mr. Christ

Lois: Wow Jesus! Can you believe you’re going to meet Jay Leno.

Chris: Why is it that when Jesus revealed himself to the world that he became famous but when I did I got suspended for five days.

Jesus: You know I owe this all to you, Peter. You gave me the confidence I needed.

Peter: Never mind about that pal. Go out there an knock em dead. Who are you?

Jesus: Jesus Christ.

Peter asked louder: Who are you?

Jesus said louder: Jesus Christ.

Peter yells: Who are you?

Jesus Christ stands up and yells: Jesus Christ.

Then Jesus appears on the Jay Leno show with the headline “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno providing background noise for intercourse since 1992.”